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November 2, 2013

Fluffypinkclouds will be put to rest. It’s time to grow up and leave all emotions behind.

I embraced living passionately. I thought it made me who I was. I thought it made me unique. And I hoped someone would love that about me. But it seems as if I’m more erratic than passionate. More emotional than is socially acceptable.

And so these tears are for myself. Because today Fluffypinkclouds is no more. I pity the fool who conforms under pressure. Alas the fool is me.

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The Silence

October 21, 2013

It used to be so easy. Typing my thoughts out. Separated by two screens. Words would flow. Endlessly. Like we had all the world in common. And it was a relief, from the silence at home. But now there’s a new kind of silence. Ironically, this silence is a relief as well. Get it? A relief from what used to be a relief.

But I’m tired from what seems like working to have something, anything, in common. And I’m no closer to being at home than when I started out. I admit I no longer feel alone or lonely, but it should be more than companionship. It needs to be more than companionship.

Perhaps I’m not working hard enough. Perhaps I’m still clinging on to the notion of The One. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll feel differently.

Today, though, the silence is my haven.

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The One

August 19, 2013

At what point do you relinquish the idea of ever finding The One? Or do you, like my best friend tells me, just take a giant blind leap of faith? 

On days when I am overcome by the notion of romance and happily-ever-afters, I convince myself that with enough patience and faith, it will all work out in the end. That nobody really knows for sure, they just go through the motions anyway. 

But the truth is that I’m too opinionated to conform. Too selfish to try hard. Too insecure to jump. 

And as I take a step back, I see all the differences in opinion, all the diverging goals, all the opposing interests. And I realize that there is a point where respect for individualism stops and plain disagreement begins. 

But more than stubborn-ness alone, I’m both concerned and disturbed by how much I’m willing (or rather unwilling) to compromise my own wants for his. Because I’ve finally learned to love my life as it is, in its entirety. I love myself and my flaws, my family with their quirks, my job with its stress, and I feel settled and at home, when home as I knew it was pulled out from under my feet years ago. At a point when I’ve become so sure of everything, it then becomes glaringly obvious that his path will only lead me in another direction. 

So maybe it’s true that I have not fully made up my mind. That I lack resolve. That I’m still unsure. Because I feel like I’m losing me. That I’m becoming one of those women I despise and look down upon. Weak in the face of love. But loved, nevertheless. Does it have to boil down to this? 

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Best Finchel Song Ever

July 19, 2013

Can’t even begin to imagine what Lea Michele must be going through. Unbearable to think about. Goodbye, Cory Monteith.

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RIP Cory Monteith

July 19, 2013

I remember hearing the news over the radio while driving back home. My jaw dropped and I went into shock, in total disbelief. All I could think about was: he’d just gotten out of rehab, it couldn’t be drugs, what, why, how, and this has to be a hoax, it can’t possibly be true, he’s supposed to be back for the next season of Glee, he NEEDS to be back for the next season of Glee. Why would anyone play such a cruel joke?
But it wasn’t a joke. And he is indeed gone. So RIP, Cory. Glee will never be the same again.

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Me, My Thoughts and I

July 19, 2013

Sorry, blog, for being away. I didn’t mean to neglect you. It’s just that you stopped being a sanctuary for my private thoughts when I found out people visit you to find out about them. So then I thought of starting up another blog, setting up password protected posts…in the end, I just didn’t feel like writing anything at all. And so thoughts and words swirled around my head, endlessly. 

Because what can I say now that will not hurt one party and make the other gloat? Back and forth it goes. And even though I set myself up for this, I feel as though my entire life I’ve been caught in between two sides. And forced to choose one. And I never know which way to go, because I never want to see anyone get hurt. But they keep giving and giving, and then silently expect me to give back, passively forcing me to choose anyway. 

I thought that being only one person, I would be hard pressed to love so many people at the same time. But I read today that we should “love deeply, desperately, generously and selflessly.” So I’m crawling out of my self-absorbed shell and trying to do just that. 

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Get Happy

June 21, 2013

This blog started out as an outlet for me to vent, to express myself, to put my thoughts into perspective. Ever since I discovered a love for written words, I’ve always been at my most eloquent when sad, even bordering on being depressed. So it’s no wonder to me that this blog has then become a grey blog. And I have such a flair and masochistic love for the dramatics that in reading back my posts, the melancholy of it all just soothes me. To know that I’ve been through it all, it comforts me. Because I’m still alive, healthy and happy, in spite of it all. 

So I may not reveal much of my pink fluffy self in this blog, but pinky is never far behind. Behind every grey cloud is a pink fluffy one, I say. Or rather, on the flip side of every grey cloud is it’s pink fluffy self. 

And I’m grateful today, as I always try to be, and as I hope I always will be, for all that I have and for all that I am. For my health, for my career, for my salary. For my family, for my mom, for my love. For my dog, for my best friends, Gardener included. For being sane, for being happy, for being loved. 

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