It’s a surprising relief that noone is reading my blog. It’s so much easier being honest this way. Although putting it up on the Internet sort of removes any possibility for privacy. Perhaps it’s true that all we want is to connect with other people on any level. Being validated for feeling this way.
I left again. All the bickering was, and still is, getting to me. I admit that I’m difficult to put up with. The emotional roller-coaster ride that I put other people through is never fun. And my mood can change faster than the blink of an eye, no exaggeration there.
But I constantly find things that aggravate me. And when I’m so comfortable and close to that person, I find it hard to keep my thoughts to myself. Or at least I find it hard to keep my real feelings from appearing on my face. By no means am I proclaiming to be fault-free. In fact, I believe I’ve already admitted to being difficult. Neurotic. Emotional.
But it keeps gnawing at me. The realization that we are so different. When we put up with each other, denial kicks in and I don’t see it that clearly. But all the spats, small and seemingly insignificant are so negative. How do other couples stand to live like this?
I run through all the reasons in my head and am temporarily pacified. But only temporarily.
No relationship is perfect. Every relationship needs work.
Does it have to be SO much work already? I enjoy being at home, being silent, sometimes, just doing nothing at all. And he’s constantly asking me what I want to do what I want to do what I want to do. I enjoy scouring around for good food. And he’s constantly telling me off for it. And his use of English is starting to give me Tom Rider flashbacks.
Every advice is borne out of concern for my well being.
But they have been grating at my nerves. Because I tolerate nagging and criticism very poorly. I don’t care if your intentions are good. When you’re constantly repeating the same thing, there’s only so much I will and can listen to. Advice not sought or asked for just seem patronizing. Are you so much better that you constantly feel the need to give your view on how I should live my life? Do this do that run like this walk like that eat this don’t eat that you have to bear the consequence of your actions. My inner rebel is bursting to scream. Just typing this down I can feel the vein in my head throbbing.
I know that I am growing old and perhaps time is running out for me to find another other. But is it settling this way? When does a compromise stop becoming that and you start losing yourself? Is it really so bad being on my own?