Forgiveness

I am a naturally passionate person. I love and hate with equal ferocity. And it is these extreme that make it very hard for me to forgive and forget, perhaps to my own disadvantage. Of course I understand that life goes on, but deep inside, the memory of what has transpired against me lives on as well.

It used to be difficult for me to apologise. The simple act of saying “I’m sorry” would frustrate my family to no end, because those words just could not come out of my mouth. When it did, it usually came accompanied with tears. Because a truly sincere apology, to me, pairs up with guilt and bombards me, knocking me over and completely overwhelming me till I feel nothing but remorse for whatever I had done.

Through the recent years, however, I have learnt to be more forthright with my apologies where they are due. For the same reason, I appreciate and expect sincere apologies when I have, in turn, been wronged.

But in this matter, I have received none. To this day, I have not heard a single sincere “I’m sorry”. I do not want any shitty lame-ass explanation as to why you were stupid enough to do what you all did. I just need to know that you are indeed sorry to have done it.

I have ample respect for the people I work with, given the circumstances of our profession. One would think that it naturally leads to more wisdom. But as in my case, personally, it does not. In fact, I have been told that it is naive to expect honesty from everyone. Has the world really come to that?

This will be my last post on the matter, and for the benefit of those who keep googling the same initials (yes, it is you I am talking about. Your search term actually appears on my blog stats, if you don’t already know). I am dramatic, I fully admit. But more than that, I am deeply disappointed at the people around me, my partner included. I feel completely disregarded, as if my opinions did not matter at all. Why, feel free to go ahead and do whatever you like, what do my feelings matter? And when I did decide to be honest and express them, these same people who have disregarded my presence and position treat me as though I was wrong to have felt the way I did. Wow, I didn’t know she is so jealous one lar…And then, actually, I wouldn’t have liked my bf to be so close with another woman lor. Hypocrisy overload.

Another case in point: I’m sorry, I understand why you reacted the way you did. And behind my back, aiyer, she is totally overreacting over a phone call lar.

It makes me weep. And then to have my partner defend their actions and making me feel twice as bad. So no, I am not getting over this matter anytime soon, because human nature is really ugly. Well, yours is, at least.