Normal

How many of you actually realise how much it takes to be considered ‘normal’ in this society? You go about your daily life judging people without trying to understand why they are what they are and flock amongst your own kind, afraid and unwilling to look for the story behind the person.

Well, today has been 1 month since I stopped my medication. One month ago when my doctor told me that I would no longer be receiving any more ‘medical’ help, I was terrified. What if I relapse? What if I wake up finding myself feeling the lowliest of low again? What if I cannot handle the slightest bit of stress again?

But I suppose the past year’s experience has not been in vain. Especially knowing for a fact that some of us just can’t help being mentally unwell. Crazy is such a harsh word, and I feel only used by people who will perhaps never understand what it is truly like, to have to try your hardest to grasp at ‘normality’.

I enjoy being quirky and weird, of course, but only because they are attributes that are well within my control. It is during times when I seek out the kitchen knife and hold it steadily in my right hand, sobbing uncontrollably because I cannot hold back the thoughts of bringing the blade down hard on my left arm that I wish there would be someone who could help me. When I feel the world collapsing down on me, even the slightest notion that nobody is around to care makes me seek the easiest way out.

When I was younger and swallowed the 24 tabs of Panadol, I didn’t know any better. Now, armed with the knowledge that that alone is not sufficient, I know that if I had not obtained professional help in time, I would’ve truly ceased to exist.

As neurotic as it sounds, it is somewhat comforting to know that I am not the only person in this world to feel this way. Because in times of solitude and when everyone is out of reach, it is imperative that I do not feel as if I have been left alone.

So as you bustle about your daily routine, spare perhaps 10 seconds to ponder about how important a simple question such as “Are you alright?” can be to your loved ones. And do not be as inconsiderate as some people I know who perceive mental illness to be a choice. I can tell you from my experience at the psych clinic that it is not. But even so, many people out there refuse to seek help because of the stigma associated with it. We did not choose to be unwell, but we can choose to get better.

And after all the ugliness in the ‘normal’ and real world, I can also tell you that being around the other patients stopped being scary, because all the other daily life concerns seem so extremely insignificant by comparison.

I feel alright now. Are you?