Sometimes I wish I could find a man to marry and have kids with. Because everyone around me seems happy and normal with that kind of life. I think…if I had a husband like that, or if I got pregnant like that, or if I had a baby like that…then maybe, just maybe I could be happy and contented like that.
Instead of living this life. A selfish, separate life. Separate bedrooms. Separate mealtimes. Separate hobbies. Separate friends.
I remind myself to stay present and be grateful for everything else. But occasionally, like now for instance, I allow the tears to flow. Because I feel so alone.
I understand the desire for a family, for a husband who is legally bound to you, for a child who biologically belongs to you. Sometimes I wish that I could be normal and just settle for the same mediocre choices. But when I wake up tomorrow, I know that this impulse will go away and I will still believe in the same things that I did before.
So for now, I guess I’ll just cry.
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