Moving out

    I finally told someone. Somehow, my brother was able to understand. I feel better, knowing that there will be an end to the noise, knowing that peace and quiet will return. Too bad my conscience likes to hit me like a tonne of bricks. I feel extremely apprehensive thinking about how sister will react to the news. Extremely guilty thinking about how they might think I’m abandoning them.

I feel even worse thinking about how they might be right. That I am putting myself before others. That I am a total selfish bitch. That in my culture and upbringing, this decision is frowned upon, misunderstood, unacceptable. That when the time came to choose between myself and my family, I chose to preserve my own sanity. Maybe I will never know if my decision is right or wrong, but at times when my conscience threatens to overwhelm me, I tell myself that deep in my heart, I have never thought of abandoning anyone. And as long as I remember that, I’m okay.

Fussy me

    I suppose I’m really fussy. Hard to please. Easily annoyed. The whole package. I keep thinking about moving out whenever Sister Can’t-Stop-Talking-And-It-Has-To-Be-So-Loud-The-Whole-World-Can-Hear-Her gets on my nerves. And that’s almost all the time. When she’s complacent enough to leave me alone, the others fill in for her. There’s Baby Annoys-The-Hell-Out-Of-Me-With-Non-Stop-Wailing-Devil-Spawn, there’s also Maid Laughs-Like-A-Hyena-Talks-Louder-Than-Sister-If-That’s-Possible. Only dear Mommy and Alice are the sane and considerate ones at home.

What sucks is that I haven’t found enough courage to actually do it. Move out. Move away. Just move. So many things concern me. Mostly what they’ll say. Growing up in a typical Chinese family environment, it’s hard not to be intimidated by the overplayed ‘respect’ and ‘filial piety’ that they keep talking about. It’s hard not to wonder if it’s really that selfish of me to want more of my own privacy, more of my own time, more of my own space. Not away from dear Mommy, but away from those annoying subjects abovementioned. And if they come attached to dear Mommy, then who am I supposed to choose……Mommy or myself?