Torn apart

“Don’t you think I would spend more time with you if you could make me happier doing that? As it is now, you’re so volatile that half of my conscious time is spent thinking of ways to keep you cheerful and to not piss you off….

You know we have a great time together when you’re happy….but when you’re not and you treat my like crap, sometimes I wonder why I go all the way to your house or office to see you….

It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in….whether *we* are happy or not is always dictated by whether *you* are happy….”

I try to be better. I try to be normal. I try to be happy. But sometimes I think that you may be better off without me. As much as it hurts me, I wonder if it would be so wrong to just let you go. I can’t afford to promise you that I’ll try anymore. I can’t afford to disappoint you anymore. I can’t afford to see your hurting words anymore. I love you, but it’s not enough.

Long lost friends

   Helen gave me an online buzz today, and made me realize one thing. I’m not the only one who feels somewhat lost after uni. Yes, we’ve all moved on. Yes, we have our own lives now. Yes, we have work, we have family, we have boyboys. But somehow, we’ve managed to leave our friends behind. No, we haven’t forgotten them. We just forgot to bring them along.

Try as we might to make new ones, they just don’t feel the same. The laughter don’t feel the same, the chats don’t feel the same, the gossip don’t feel the same….and if all these basic friendly necessities have yet to be fulfilled, how will the tears ever feel the same? But even though we’ve left our friends behind, we haven’t forgotten the memories we’ve built together. Now and again, we reminisce. And we remember. And we are filled with the same feelings again. That of female bonding. Not the urgh urgh urgh Neanderthal kind of male bonding. FEMALE bonding. When you laugh over the same things, gossip about the same people, fall in love over the same products, scramble to watch the same shows, offer similar advice, and sometimes share a tear or two when things get rough.

It can be so easy turning up with a new best friend when you’re young. I remember having 4! But as we grow older, the term becomes almost obsolete, non-existent. Why is it so hard to re-create that special bond as we grow older? Maybe the experiences we’ve gained are different. Maybe 24 hours isn’t enough for another big relationship aside from our boyboys. Maybe we’ve become too shy to want to burden other people with our problems. Maybe we just grew too tired to want to try anymore.

Whatever the reason may be, maybe someday we’ll find our way back to our long lost friends. When we’ve gathered enough similar experiences to share with each other. When 24 hours seem like too much time to be spent on only one person. When our skin starts to sag and therefore, grow in thickness. When we’re simply physically tired but mentally longing for more. Enough to make an effort once again. Hopefully these friends will still be around.